Wheee! Wiiii! Nope, not this time...
May. 12th, 2009 02:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
le_bebna_kamniI just got a Wii Fit, and fortunately I didn't have to pay for it. Instead, I received it as repayment for helping a friend wrack up a bunch of points on a chain store gaming card.
"This is awesome!" I said, as I opened the package and proceeded to pop in the disk. I carefully read the instructions and synced the platform with my Wii console. Then I waited for the fun to begin.
And then I waited some more. And I'm still not sure when the amazing fun is supposed to begin. On the contrary, I'm beginning to believe that Wii Fit was a heinous plot to force people into unusually sadistic scenarios that they feel they have to endure because the word "Fit" is on the outside of the box.
I'm no stranger to sadism in fitness -- after all, I willingly used to run 6-10 miles a day and play team sports wearing skimpy uniforms while it snowed or hailed. But Wii Fit surpasses any measure I previously had, because it requires you to willingly sit through verbal abuse, guilt trips you into doing boring activities, and to add insult to injury asks you to pay for the privilege to do so.
It reminds me vaguely of going to a professional domme in order to receive jollies, except I don't usually go in for that kind of thing.
Here's how my first few days of Wii Fit have gone:
I pressed the start button, and climbed onto the platform expectantly. However, Wii Fit immediately slapped my wrist. "Don't do anything until I tell you to. Step down this instant." No sooner had I stepped down, than Wii Fit commanded me, "Get up on the platform. Why aren't you there already? C'mon, don't keep me waiting..."
I eyed Wii Fit warily, but climbed on, expectant that now I had pleased Wii Fit, it would be ready to give me some fun. But it was not to be.
Wii Fit: You're lazy, and you slouch. You obviously need to follow a regular routine of exercise, or you wouldn't have bought me in the first place. No, don't even *think* of fast-forwarding through my lecture.
Me: But why are we wasting time with this? I just wanted to play games that give me a small amount of exercise, like DDR.
Wii Fit: Shut up, slave. What am I, not good enough for you? Don't ever mention that slut DDR's name again! You're way too cocky -- we need to knock you down a few pegs. Step on the platform, now!
Me: But Mistress Fit, I'm already on the platform...
Wii Fit: Did I ask you to talk back to me? And you will address yourself as "Mii" from now on.
Mii: *Mumbling* Yes, Mistress Fit.
Wii Fit: Good. First, I'm going to show you how bad your posture is. Stand with your feet apart and don't move.
Mii: Wow! That's pretty good. My center of balance is almost perfect according to your little chart there.
Wii Fit: Not good enough! It's not perfect; therefore you are a bad slave! Kiss my feet. Now let's look at how much of a fat slob you are. My god, look at your BMI! You're a whale! How do you manage to stand?!?
Mii: But Mistress Fit, BMI isn't a good indication of fitness -- I mean, even when I could run a 6:30 mile, my BMI was just barely low enough to hit 25.
Wii Fit: I make the rules around here, slave, and you better learn that. I can also see by these balance tests that I just put you through without any training on how to use the board that you're clearly someone who could fall over at any minute. It's amazing you can even walk!
Mii: But Wii Fit, I've actually been told in several martial arts classes that I have fairly good balance...
Wii Fit: Address me as *Mistress* Fit when you speak to me! And why are you speaking to me when I haven't asked you a question?? Now set your weight goals. I don't care if you don't want to make any goals. I won't let you do any of my activities until you tell me how much weight you want to lose to get you closer to my goal of a 25 BMI for you.
Reluctantly, I played the dutiful slave, in the hopes that once I had gone through her requirements, she would finally reward me with pleasure. Instead, she fell flat on all her promises. The yoga was nothing more than individual poses that had to be clicked on one at a time, instead of the customizable routines that I've actually seen on other platforms.
All the "games" were a joke, and almost nothing would be available until I had put in enough time to "unlock" other activities. And in some cases this meant doing the same boring 1-minute "games" over and over to get Wii Fit to unlock another boring 1-minute game.
Oh, and Mistress Fit would keep torturing me by only unlocking activities that I wasn't particularly interested in. "You spend most of your time in aerobics? Here' I'll unlock a new strength training exercise. Have a few yoga poses too. How about a balance game? Wait...you've switched to balance games? I'll unlock a few more strength training poses for you. But I won't unlock a new aerobics activity...bwahahahah!"
Wii Fit has this stupid scoring system where you have to compete with everyone else on your own fitness abilities -- whether you like it or not. The points awarding system is beyond me, and when I try to do the jogging "game" she can't even tell how fast I'm running. And there is no way to manually enter other physical non-Wii activity that you do...say going for a walk or playing DDR ["You will have no other mistress but me, you insolent slave!"].
All in all, the Wii Fit experience is very aptly summed up by this parody commercial:
I love the Wii console -- it's fantastic. But Nintendo really bombed on this one. Anyone want to buy a Wii Fit off of me?
"This is awesome!" I said, as I opened the package and proceeded to pop in the disk. I carefully read the instructions and synced the platform with my Wii console. Then I waited for the fun to begin.
And then I waited some more. And I'm still not sure when the amazing fun is supposed to begin. On the contrary, I'm beginning to believe that Wii Fit was a heinous plot to force people into unusually sadistic scenarios that they feel they have to endure because the word "Fit" is on the outside of the box.
I'm no stranger to sadism in fitness -- after all, I willingly used to run 6-10 miles a day and play team sports wearing skimpy uniforms while it snowed or hailed. But Wii Fit surpasses any measure I previously had, because it requires you to willingly sit through verbal abuse, guilt trips you into doing boring activities, and to add insult to injury asks you to pay for the privilege to do so.
It reminds me vaguely of going to a professional domme in order to receive jollies, except I don't usually go in for that kind of thing.
Here's how my first few days of Wii Fit have gone:
I pressed the start button, and climbed onto the platform expectantly. However, Wii Fit immediately slapped my wrist. "Don't do anything until I tell you to. Step down this instant." No sooner had I stepped down, than Wii Fit commanded me, "Get up on the platform. Why aren't you there already? C'mon, don't keep me waiting..."
I eyed Wii Fit warily, but climbed on, expectant that now I had pleased Wii Fit, it would be ready to give me some fun. But it was not to be.
Wii Fit: You're lazy, and you slouch. You obviously need to follow a regular routine of exercise, or you wouldn't have bought me in the first place. No, don't even *think* of fast-forwarding through my lecture.
Me: But why are we wasting time with this? I just wanted to play games that give me a small amount of exercise, like DDR.
Wii Fit: Shut up, slave. What am I, not good enough for you? Don't ever mention that slut DDR's name again! You're way too cocky -- we need to knock you down a few pegs. Step on the platform, now!
Me: But Mistress Fit, I'm already on the platform...
Wii Fit: Did I ask you to talk back to me? And you will address yourself as "Mii" from now on.
Mii: *Mumbling* Yes, Mistress Fit.
Wii Fit: Good. First, I'm going to show you how bad your posture is. Stand with your feet apart and don't move.
Mii: Wow! That's pretty good. My center of balance is almost perfect according to your little chart there.
Wii Fit: Not good enough! It's not perfect; therefore you are a bad slave! Kiss my feet. Now let's look at how much of a fat slob you are. My god, look at your BMI! You're a whale! How do you manage to stand?!?
Mii: But Mistress Fit, BMI isn't a good indication of fitness -- I mean, even when I could run a 6:30 mile, my BMI was just barely low enough to hit 25.
Wii Fit: I make the rules around here, slave, and you better learn that. I can also see by these balance tests that I just put you through without any training on how to use the board that you're clearly someone who could fall over at any minute. It's amazing you can even walk!
Mii: But Wii Fit, I've actually been told in several martial arts classes that I have fairly good balance...
Wii Fit: Address me as *Mistress* Fit when you speak to me! And why are you speaking to me when I haven't asked you a question?? Now set your weight goals. I don't care if you don't want to make any goals. I won't let you do any of my activities until you tell me how much weight you want to lose to get you closer to my goal of a 25 BMI for you.
Reluctantly, I played the dutiful slave, in the hopes that once I had gone through her requirements, she would finally reward me with pleasure. Instead, she fell flat on all her promises. The yoga was nothing more than individual poses that had to be clicked on one at a time, instead of the customizable routines that I've actually seen on other platforms.
All the "games" were a joke, and almost nothing would be available until I had put in enough time to "unlock" other activities. And in some cases this meant doing the same boring 1-minute "games" over and over to get Wii Fit to unlock another boring 1-minute game.
Oh, and Mistress Fit would keep torturing me by only unlocking activities that I wasn't particularly interested in. "You spend most of your time in aerobics? Here' I'll unlock a new strength training exercise. Have a few yoga poses too. How about a balance game? Wait...you've switched to balance games? I'll unlock a few more strength training poses for you. But I won't unlock a new aerobics activity...bwahahahah!"
Wii Fit has this stupid scoring system where you have to compete with everyone else on your own fitness abilities -- whether you like it or not. The points awarding system is beyond me, and when I try to do the jogging "game" she can't even tell how fast I'm running. And there is no way to manually enter other physical non-Wii activity that you do...say going for a walk or playing DDR ["You will have no other mistress but me, you insolent slave!"].
All in all, the Wii Fit experience is very aptly summed up by this parody commercial:
I love the Wii console -- it's fantastic. But Nintendo really bombed on this one. Anyone want to buy a Wii Fit off of me?
